My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
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Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.