did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
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I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.