date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
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ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
not for long
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
This squirrel eats better than I do
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem