Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
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Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.