Sombrero is better than nobrero.
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If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
The French word for sex is croissant.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣