I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
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If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Never ghost your hitman.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My life in a nutshell
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.