At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
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Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably