me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
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Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Finally a use for spoilers…
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Me too, bag. Me too….
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts