And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?