I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
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maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
you will never know the true number of layers
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.