One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.