[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
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[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
is it earth