I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
You Might Also Like
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
new wife guy just dropped
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?