The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
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My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi