Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
saw this in a dream
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.