“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
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I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.