If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
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[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Botany good plants lately?
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?