MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
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Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
How actors in movies eat their food
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.