*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
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A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Cheers Twitter.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
It has been 3 years since Monday.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining