It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
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I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
why would tinder want me to say this
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.