Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
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HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes