My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
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“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off