Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
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I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Natty or not?
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
😏😏😏
constantly working on myself.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.