When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
You Might Also Like
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.