7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
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it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”