Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
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If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.