A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
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You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I’m being attacked 😭
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Chicken bread
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
@funTweeters
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper