As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
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Bless you
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.