Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
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The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare