Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
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A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Perfection.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.