when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
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flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
You’ll be OK
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Skills
*pronounces woah like Noah*
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900