[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
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Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Always…
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
They’re stuck in your pants?
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom