[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
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My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Saw your ex at the shops
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.