You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
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Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…