Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
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In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I’ll be mad as hell!
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist