every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
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*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.