The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
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Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?