Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
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At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card