PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
You Might Also Like
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Oh deer
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food