They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
You Might Also Like
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Botany good plants lately?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there