It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
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Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Solving a traffic jam
Whoa 😂
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.