If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
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“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Lol.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap