went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
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They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis