Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
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Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy