MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?