I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
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YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
😂😂
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
2023 was just a warmup
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
[eats all your cotton candy]
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing