smartest karate player in the world
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DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Haha! 😂
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.