I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
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On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail