Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
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absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!