I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
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“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.